Penyesalan

hingga akhirnya ketika cintamu karam, begitu pula diriku

yang berusaha menarik kembali cintamu ke atas permukaan 

seperti mercusuar yang tegak berdiri di ujung teluk

yang mencari sisa-sisa cinta yang remuk dilahap lautan

.

.

.

memang, penyesalan akan selalu datang di akhir. 

sudah terlambat semuanya.

andai waktu bisa diputarbalikkan semudah membalikkan telapak tangan.

apakah ada satu kesempatan lagi agar kita bisa mengulang semuanya dari awal?

satu kesempatan lagi,

aku berjanji tidak akan mengulangi kesalahan fatal yang sama,

yang sangat menggangu pikiranku hingga nyaris kehilangan nyawa.

satu kesempatan lagi,

entah dalam waktu dekat atau di masa yang akan datang,

saat masing-masing dari kami sudah bertumbuh dewasa

jika satu detik kedepan adalah misteri,

begitu juga hari esok.

satu kesempatan lagi,

mungkin hanya angan-angan belaka.

.

.

.

ketika mentari terbenam di ufuk barat, masih adakah cintamu yang tersisa?

penyesalan datang terlambat, aku tahu itu.

namun masih adakah sisa-sisa cintamu

yang telah remuk dilahap lautan?

The End (Will Never Be The Same Again)

let's talk this over,
its not like we're dead
was it something i did?
was it something you said?
don't leave me hanging,
in a night so dead.
held up so high
on such a breakable thread

you were all the things i thought i knew
and i thought we could be something.

its nice to know that you were there
thanks for acting like you cared
and made me feel like i was the only one.
its nice to know we had it all
thanks for watching as i fall
and letting me know that we were done.

goodbye, sunshine.
take care,
good luck on whatever happens in your life,
just for you know i loved you so.

no, it doesn't hurts anymore
just feel like something has missing.
time heals, really.

eventhough i knew this will happen,
i was never ready to face it.

Sad Words

fuck you for all sweet nothings you said

when we just met

and you gave me false hope

that you loved me

but now

you get tired of me 

first

random thoughts #5: poem

Patience (by Lang Leav)

Patience and Love agreed to meet at a set time and place; beneath the twenty-third tree in the olive orchard. Patience arrived promptly and waited. She checked her watch every so often but still, there was no sign of Love.

Was it the twenty-third tree or the fifty-sixth? She wondered and decided to check, just in case. As she made her way over to the fifty-sixth tree, Love arrived at twenty-three, where Patience was noticeably absent.

Love waited and waited before deciding he must have the wrong tree and perhaps it was another where they supposed to meet.

Meanwhile, Patience had arrived at the fifty-sixth tree, where Love was still nowhere to be seen.

Both begin to drift aimlessly around the olive orchard, almost meeting but never do.

Finally, Patience, who was feeling lost and resigned, found herself beneath the same tree where she began. She stood there for barely a minute when there was a tap on her shoulder. 

It was Love.

........................................................................

"Where are you?" She asked. "I have been searching all my life." "Stop looking for me," Love replied, "and I will find you."

random thoughts #4: gloomy edition

Even though you are my whole godforsaken sky,

the strings to my guitar,

the lens to the camera,

the shoelace to the shoes,

your heart is still falling for another.

even if i put every single of your happiness above mine,

even if i have some problems to deal with, i still listened to your problems and tried my best to gave you some solution.

even if my heart was torn to pieces, i still fall for you.

i know those things are stupid, but i dont wanna lose you.

maybe in the next 5 years i will look back at this post and laugh to myself about my silly yet stupid things ive done to a guy.

i dont want to make 'i love you' words to be meaningless,

so instead i would say i care(d) for you.

i care, i do.

the reason i still care for you, even though i know your heart is still for another, is because i didnt wanna lose you.

im afraid that you will leave one day

and im not ready for that

random thoughts #3: night edition

here i am, writing some storyline i got from wattpad that got me like 'damn. this is so me.'

• We are two stars that are meant to collide and destroy, and I know that even now. We are lines - going in two different directions - that are meant to cross and never meet again. We are not meant to be and I hope you understand that I am not okay with that. (The Misfortunes Of Lolita)

• "Just." She said, and he opened his eyes. "I have a thousand words for you. And I'm unable to say a single one of them when I'm around you." (The Misfortunes Of Lolita)

•  There is a part of me that knows this is temporary. Fleeting. He will leave one day - and the terrifying part is that this doesn't make me want to run from him. It only makes me want to hold on thighter. (The Misfortunes Of Lolita)

•  Most people are lit matches. You're the goddamn morning sun. (The Misfortunes Of Lolita)

•  He was a whirlwind of emotions. The mos beautiful thing to walk the earth. He was a universe all on his own, and I am so grateful to have fallen into his gravity. (The Misfortunes Of Lolita)

•  And I could say that I have to let you go, because fuck, I have to, but I can't. I can't let you go. I want to hold onto you like you are lifeboat and I'm drowning. I will always want to. I love you. (The Misfortunes Of Lolita)

It was a collision: colossal and magnificent and wonderful, crashing to fast, too much, yet she craved it like her fingers were scrabbling for something to hold onto into the storm. It was a storm. He was, she meant.

sometimes she
couldn't breathe because
the thoght of him
was like
where stars
collide.
(Where Stars Collide)

----------------

"I need you inside my veins" she whispered. (Where Stars Collide)

----------------

you are a poem with two feet

and i just want to

write you
(Breaths)

random thoughts #2: night edition

Saturday, February 28th 2015

i thought what we had was special.

i really miss those days when i woke up at 3 am everyday just to talked to you.

i miss those days when you used to called me.

i miss your voice.

and maybe,

tonight will be the first night i cry over you.

random thoughts #1: afternoon edition

tiba-tiba aja aku kepikiran sama obrolanku dengan salah satu teman laki-laki yang aku kenal dari sebuah situs anonimus, yang sebenarnya aku tak menyangka akan sedekat ini dengannya.

setelah berkenalan kira-kira 2 minggu, aku tahu bahwa kita berada dalam keadaan yang sama, senasib.
aku dan dia sama-sama sedang berjuang melupakan seorang yang pernah menjadi bagian hidup,
yang tanpa sebab orang tersebut pergi karena hilangnya rasa yang pernah ada.

and then we shared things.
no, i shared things.

ya, karena aku telah sangat lelah memendam segala sakit hati sendirian, akhirnya aku beranikan diri bercerita padanya.

i told him my past,
my dark past in the hardest age ever a.k.a. teen age
dan responnya sangat sangat diluar dugaanku.


     Aku: "so back then i used to hurt myself because i loved to hide feelings.
kamu tahu bukan, terlalu sering memendam masalah berakibat sangat buruk?"

     Dia: "[my name]. aku nggak suka kamu seperti itu."

     Aku: "well, i stopped that for months, actually. i would rather write than hurting myself."

     Dia: "jadi sekarang udah nggak kan? don't do that ever again, please? stop it. ada aku kok. udah ya."


membaca pesan yang dia kirim terakhir membuat mataku basah karena air mata.
yep, i'm crying.
aku menangis bahagia karena belum pernah ada orang (especially stranger) yang begitu peduli terhadapku.

ternyata masih ada orang yang peduli kepadaku.
i thought nobody cares about me.

My Feelings' Rant

i was reading the threads on ask.fm and someone told a story about his love life.

he said there's one sentence that got him thinking.

and the sentence was

presence beats everything

and that sentence was exactly happened to me last night.

i had a fucking mood swing and all i wanted was crying out loud but i didn't know what i cried to. 

i hate everyone, plus he replied my text very slow. he said he had headache.

i should forgive but you know, mood swing.

last night,

all i wanted was him. only him.

and finally he replied.

im having a bad headache right now. 

instead of cheering him up, i replied:

i just wanted to cry all night.

and he said he wanted to call me.

i didn't expect that.

but yeah,

he called me.

we talked for 7 minutes and 31 seconds.

after he hanged up because he was sleepy,

suddenly all my pains were blown away.

its true.

presence beats everything

For someone out there

Well,
i don't know what should i write but somehow i want to write something about you, literally us.
after long search of 'replacement' the old stranger who dumped me for no reason,
i found you.
i just fell in love with how you write, because we can't see each other profile pictures, even names.
once, i read someone post this sentence on ask.fm:

the way you write shows us a glimpse of your personality

well, how you write are different than other strangers that had been chatted with me before you.
and just that,
i became one of your friend, i guess?


the more time i spent for talking to you,
the more i fell in love.
no. not fell in love.
interested, actually.
i have been avoiding to got attached to you
but the more i tried to avoid,
the more i got attached.
so i let that flow, and enjoy that.

but i know you just broke up with your ex.
she dumped you.
i know you're madly, deeply in love with her.
but she didn't feel the same way again.
her feelings towards you are just blown away.

pfft. i know that feeling. that was my entire love life about.
i know how you feel. i know exactly how you feel.
so, there. i helped you to move on.

your ex told you that you have to go find someone else.
(i hope that wasnt sarcasm, tho)
there, i tried so hard to be her replacement, for giving attention, to make you feel like the break up didn't happen.

why i try so hard?
because i'm afraid.
i'm afraid i will lose you.
i'm afraid of losing someone once i close with.

so please,
stay?

For someone that i know for a week and still counting.

Well,
if only the previous stranger didn't dump me for no reason, there's no chance that i will meet you.

we meet randomly on Secret, and that's ridiculous yet creepy because, internet, duh.
turns out, you're very nice, sweet, and you got almost all of boyfriend material.

you show me that you care for me,
and im flattered.

i know you had a girlfriend when we accidently met
but that doesnt stop me for knowing you, dear stranger.

and all of sudden you broke up with your girlfriend.
i dont know i should be happy or sad.

well you comfort me with your ways,
that reminds me of someone whom i loved very damn much back then.

you know,
i fell in love with your words, and how you write
because how you write shows me a glimps of yourself.

i fell for your words,
but i don't want to fell in love easily
because love is dangerous, blind, and murderous.

thank you for the 1 week and still counting,
i hope we can meet someday
thanks for being such a gentleman
thanks for being there for me while no one else didnt.

we meet for a reason
either you're a lesson or a blessing.

i love you,
because you deserve to be loved,
d.

A Flash Fiction #1

aku berdiri di sini

melawan angin malam yang berhembus.

dingin, memang.

apalagi badanku hanya berlapiskan sehelai baju rumah sakit.

aku tak peduli

dinginnya angin tak sebanding dengan rasa sakitku.

dinginnya angin seakan memaksaku untuk terus berjalan ke tepi atap

dinginnya angin seakan memberiku semangat untuk terjun.

orang-orang di bawah tampak seperti semut,

dan aspal itu seakan menggodaku untuk menjatuhkan diriku.

Tuhan, maafkan aku.

Ibu, Ayah, Adik, maafkan aku telah menyita sebagian waktumu untuk menjagaku.

Maafkan aku, orang-orang yang pernah kubuat kesal.

Aku pejamkan mata,

dan seiring angin malam berhembus,

ku jatuhkan diriku.

Aku buka mataku perlahan,

aspal itu semakin semangat menggodaku untuk lebih cepat merebahkan diriku di atasnya.

Atau mungkin seharusnya aku tidak melompat.

Ah sudah terlambat.

Tuhan, maafkan aku.

semakin dekat

semakin deka

semakin dek

semakin de

semakin d

semakin 

semaki

semak

sema

sem

se

s

"BRAKK!!"

Sweet Things That Happened to Me in 2014

I know its a little bit late but I write it anyway.

----------------------------------------
1. Start from January. I am very thankful I know you. We were arranged on the same group and since then I became one of your best buddies.

2. I passed junior high school with not so good grades but at least I passed that goddamn test?

3. Prom night & bts photoshoot. On photoshoot with 93 was so tiring as fuck yet fun because that was the first time me and you were in the same frame a.k.a i took a picture with you. And on prom, we were redoing our first photo.

4. I got to SMAN 70 Jakarta. I met new people, new environtment, everything are new. Was such a hell time at first but as time went by I surived.

5. Went to my first school gigs. I went to PL Fair with my best friend and that didn't end so well. After that I went to Gonzaga Festival and the happiness I felt there were beyond my expectation because I met my elementary school crush, and apparently he is a best friend of my junior high friend, and he keep asking about me to her. I watched the bands with my friends and him standing behind me. I am so happy because I thought he already forget me but he didn't. Those school gigs were so great till I had PED (Post Event Depression). LOL.

6. I can spend my holidays with my happy family.

kesimpulan: being single feels great if only you have someone to go back to.

and then, I'd like to thank God for giving me chance to pass 2014, thank everyone I met on 2014, thank you for being a part of my life,
especially, you.

every single day on 2014 you were there in my side, even in my darkest part.
thank you for not leaving my side,
thank you for supporting me each day,
thank you for comforting me in your unique way,
thank you for letting me into your life and I'm so happy could be a part of yours,
even though I know you love someone else which is so hard for me because I love you very damn much
but you only love me as a best friend, best buddies.

you're the one who makes me laugh
you make me have butterflies in my stomach
yet you're the one that makes me cry myself to sleep and put me in depression time.

I love you anyway,
promise me never leave my side.

Au Contraire (by G.L. Stark)

Arrows of Cupid couldn't pierce through your chest,
Borrowed time forever couldn't finish this quest,
Regrets are hoarding, I'm hoping they didn't fall,
Inside this tired heart or else I'll have to crawl,
Lower and deeper than my chances so small.

-
Days turn to weeks, weeks into full moons,
Excitement shall end in some time soon.
Risks turn to fears, fears into silence,
Excitement shall knock on his frigid conscience,
Kissing in a little prescience.

-
Arrows of Cupid couldn't pierce you any softer,
Regrets are falling, that's one thing I know,
And I'm still afraid that maybe your answer's
No.